Initially, I started writing a much different post. I even had J read it. It was very poignant. Full of the angst I was feeling at the moment and still feel somewhat. I wrote with the idea of posting it here in some attempt to relieve myself of those feelings of rejection and hurt. I kept telling myself I was trying to achieve some kind of catharsis. When I still hadn’t posted it this morning I got an email from J wondering why. My reply to her was I wasn’t sure if it merited posting. What I mean by that is, was this post really indicative of the person I am?
My answer is no it wasn’t. I don’t mean that I’m some super woman that life’s trials and setbacks are just tiny blips on my radar. Far from it. I often feel things deeply and they affect me more than I let on. But, that is not what defines me. So, instead of posting my previously depression filled and rejection ridden piece, I’ve decided to go another way and share some of the ridiculous things I’ve encountered in the world that is online dating.
I realize at the start of this, that some may not think this is the correct avenue with which to secure a spouse. I felt like that too, initially. However, I was still in my 20’s then and the dating picture didn’t seem so…bleak and my views were high and lofty. And now, well, here I am using online dating services and hoping for a love match. (I can hardly believe I just wrote that but there it is.)
I have, for the last several years, been a member of one of the more popular online dating websites. You know the one where the guy goes online finds the girl gets married, decides to get his mom on the site because he was so successful and lo, and behold, dear old mom finds a new husband too! Yeah, that’s the one. The testimonials are fabulous. They are all from successful participants. They had a few not so perfect matches but then one day, they were matched with their soul mate. Many of them say how grateful they are that they decided to commit to the service for a year and how wonderful that they did because 1 month before their membership was expiring they found “the one”. Sigh…it makes the heart of a hopeless romantic go pitter-pat. And of course, while still in that warm and fuzzy place where you’re thinking this could be me in a year, you enter, with hands shaking in anticipation, your credit card number and sign up for membership. You go to bed that night and sleep the sleep of the contented knowing when you wake in the morning you will have a list of possibilities at your disposal.
It doesn’t exactly happen that way. For me there is often a long (really, really long) wait between viable prospects. I’ve actually used the option where you can have the service refresh your profile to see if there’s been anyone new added to the system in the last 24 hours, only to be told “Sorry, there are still no matches for you.” (A little like the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld.) Now lest you think I’m being too picky, here’s an example of some I’ve been matched with.
Recently, I was matched with a guy that was near my age, a couple years younger from NJ. I do not live in NJ but I thought I would just give him a look. You never know maybe he’d be willing to relocate, right? I open his profile and he seems normal and he actually has a picture. You’d be surprised how many guys do not. (Don’t even get me started on the guys that post their high school football picture and then you are in for the shock of your life when you actually meet and he looks like a different person.) I decide to look at the picture a little more closely. I click on it and when it opens in a window large enough for me to see it without the aid of a magnifying glass, I realize something. The picture that he has provided, that after I read his profile and feel like this person could be an option, is one of him taken with a webcam in his pajamas. Yes, HIS PAJAMAS! And not even cool, GQ guy pajamas, not even the “hey, a t-shirt and sweats is how I roll” pajamas. These were oddly reminiscent of my grandfather’s plaid flannel pajamas. Is this really how you want to be portrayed to the members of the opposite sex? “Well, I wasn’t sure if he was the one but when I saw him in my grandpa’s pajamas, I just knew.” Do I really have to explain why I closed this match?
Another guy that I had actually made it through the guided communication stage with and was in the open communication stage with, asked me in the very first message if I had ever been pregnant. I was a little dumbfounded at that. Not because it isn’t a valid question, but perhaps you might want to space it out a bit and actually exchange a few pleasantries first. Oh, I don’t know like “Hi!” or “I’ve enjoyed getting to know you so far” or even, for the truly daring, “You have a great smile!” I felt like I needed to forward my medical records, or assure him that I still had all the original equipment and my warranty was still in force. Maybe he wanted to see pictures of my teeth or something.
One guy listed his age as 50; I still looked at this profile. I thought, you know, age is relative. When I got to the bottom of his profile, in the box provided where you can share whatever bit of information the profile didn’t cover, he has this note: “I’m really 10 years older than what I listed. I really want to have children and the matches they were sending me were all too old.”
Why am I telling you all this? Well, first it’s funny, who would believe it? But really I just need to know that in spite of the fact that I am single through no fault of my own, that God does see my plight and He does care. I hope that if you are married and reading this and know someone that’s single and is struggling through these same issues that you give them a hug when you see them next and add them to your prayer list. Please consider carefully the advice you give them. We know that we are supposed to be like Paul says: content in whatsoever state we are in. We know that Jesus too was rejected, and that when you’re married you trade your single problems in for married problems. And while every marriage isn’t hearts and flowers being single isn’t the best of all worlds either.
The impetus behind this particular post is the result of another false start. Someone I was matched with that in my eyes, and the eyes of a trusted friend, looked promising. He even lived only 45 minutes away! However, there was a sticking point on religion, one that to him seemed impossible to breach. We politely ended the messaging but I’ve been left feeling a little rejected and sorry for myself again. It’s not easy trying to put yourself out there time after time, hoping that someone realizes you’re wonderful and they can’t live without you, (ok, well that’s what you hope they realize), and when that fairy tale crumbles you have to somehow find the will to pick yourself up and try it over again.
As I said I’ve been given loads of advice over the years that run the gamut, from cut your hair, let it grow, lose some weight, buy some new clothes, wear more make-up, wear less make-up, change your perfume, just to list a few. The best advice I got was from J, my blogging buddy, who simply said, “It stinks, it really stinks." That was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. She also gave me the tip to beat a pillow senseless. :)
I only know this: I will continue to follow Paul's advice and try to learn to be content and be thankful for where I am. To remember that God thinks I'm wonderful even if I don't think that about myself. And in the meantime, move over Skinny Cow and hello, Ben and Jerry's. After work I'm going to get a gallon of Cherry Garcia and when I wake up from that sugar coma it'll be a brand new week!
7/29/08
The Joys of Online Dating or “Did he really just ask me this question?”
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